Grief, there’s no shame in it..

Today is the anniversary of my dear mother’s death, 24 years ago.

Her name was Ruthie. She was an amazing woman, loved by all who knew her.

I remember the day she died very well, in 2000, and though I penned the actual obituary with the clarity of an ice queen, and I could refer to it right now because the clipping exists in my files.. but instead, I’ll settle for a similar version that is bubbling up in my mind at this moment:

On a cold and blustery morning,
this past Sunday, Feb 20th,
our dear mother died unexpectedly..

As sad as it was then.. in fact, as shockingly traumatic and inexplicably heartbreaking as it was at the time.. I’m very grateful.. to be feeling.. so much softer now.

Grief around losing my mom will always be present in some way, I am confident of this fact.. but it’s only lately that I can say, I am at peace with her death.

I’m now at peace with what remains in my memories and no longer seeking for answers, or rather more to add to the memories, or seeking more connection to her in some way.

And, I do realize it’s essential to remain open to other memories as they appear to me, which they do.. especially the good times we had together and the good she did for all of us.

And, I also remain open to the mysteries, because I believe in them, the mysteries.. the things we cannot know.. and those synchronicities in everyday life, the signs so-to-speak, and the meaningful moments which bring more meaningful moments.. and more memories. Like sprinklings of stardust..

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It has been a very difficult path through my grief, I must say.

Ruthie c.1950

Only recently, in the past few years have I had the ability to truly feel into the memories with her because it had been too painful.. and I had been prevented as well because of a deep longing, and a fervent seekingness.. a swirl of pain, and seeking, which comprised my deep grief.

At first, my grief with losing my mom was significant sadness and it was palpable.. and I know it was very hard for my sister too. It took years to release the pain and sadness associated with the grief I held with losing my mom.

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It is hard for others to lose loved ones, as well.. sometimes it is more difficult than for others. Some people reel after losing their moms, or fathers, spouses, or children, when grief can be overwhelmingly difficult and debilitating.

This deep sadness and grief can be associated with other losses as well, such as facing the loss of relationships, the loss of a pet, and significant changes in life such as the loss of a job, or moving from one’s home, or resulting from illness or loss of physical or mental capacity of oneself, or changes due to loss of capacity of a loved one.

And I’m here to say, no matter how grief appears in our lives…

There’s no shame in it.

We really need to allow a great deal of compassion, for ourselves, and for others, around loss and grief, for however long it takes to fully integrate all of these significant losses in our lives.

Detail, image by Annie Spratt @ unsplash

My deep, deep pain in the first years of losing my mom was a thick haze which I fought hard to work through. The grief did not abate, so I focused on work and raising my son, and making a life for us.

My grief was amazingly difficult.. I could not talk about my mom, or death at all without breaking down into tears. One school-mom friend said, in 2003, she said I always seemed so sad. Looking back, I see that was true.

Then, in the summer of 2006, while visiting a cabin — just down the lane from where my mom’s family’s cabin was on the lake where she grew up — where I was fortunate to be staying the night, sleeping on the porch, I listened to the loons calling across the lake.

Clark Young at Unsplash

I heard the loons and their mysterious and majestic calls, back and forth across the lake, echoing as they do in this special place tucked in between several mountains.

Something in me clicked, and I felt a kinship with the place, with my mom, with her mother’s family and her early life there, and felt a healing peace in my heart.

From a deep knowingness, I felt I’d integrated my grief. That was in 2006.

After that was a long period of feeling nothing really. But this is still grief, I know. Just not grief as it was before.

My keen desire to connect with my mom entered me into a stage of grief which didn’t feel good and didn’t feel peaceful, such as I’d felt when I was at the lake.

This seeking and seeking led me to all sorts of longings and more grief. My fervent desires to connect and work with my memories and with my mom’s lasting spirit left me in a void. It was a long period of either letting things be, or trying yet another modality of meditation, or ancestral healing, but nothing seemed to work, and nothing really felt authentic or connected, and nothing ever came through.

So, I’d let it go, relaxed, and stopped searching.. for several years now.

Slowly, slowly, I’ve been healing more and more. And checking in lately, I’ve noticed a marked improvement in my grief.. and I can say it is very soft, and I feel at peace now.

And, it is much easier to remember more of the good times, and the not so good times. I’m able to weave my mom into the stories without questioning it, or becoming distracted out, and onto something else... I don’t seem to be avoiding any longer.

Now, I’m really able to focus on my mom, and feel the love and adoration I hold for her, unadulterated and proudly.. fully and without pain or distraction.

It feels good.

The reality is, I’m holding grief too. I can feel it there, too, but I’m also able to feel my mom now in a way that feels good. Ahh.. this is really nice.

I suppose I’ve arrived. Perhaps she’d be proud of me.

Love. ❤️

My mom’s family lake: Gun Lake, from Bridge River Valley tourism website